October 25, 2021|י"ט חשון ה' אלפים תשפ"ב Vayera 5782 - Lot's Ambivalence and the Importance of Knowing Ourselves By Rabbi Beni Krohn

The Torah does not have a word for ambivalence. It does, however, have a TUNE, or really, a MUSICAL NOTE for it. It is called the Shalsheles. The shalsheles appears only 4 times in the entire torah and explains Rav Yosef Ibn Kaspi that each time it is used, it reflects an existential crisis within the individual it is referencing.

When Eliezer goes out on his mission to find a wife for Yitzchak, he turns to HKBH to ask for help in devising a plan with which to find this woman, and when he does so, over the word “VAYOMAR” “and he said to Hashem”, there a Shalsheles. Why the ambivalence in this case?  B/c the medrash points out that Eliezer was hoping his daughter would marry Yitzchak. Therefore, even though he knows he must go out to find a wife for his master’s son, he is not wholehearted in his mission. He is torn. Thus, the Shalsheles.

We also find the shalsheles in the story of Yosef and Eshes Potiphar.  Yosef has been successful in Potiphar’s home, beginning to forget the troubles of his past, when Potiphar’s wife tries to seduce him. Yosef knows it is wrong, but his emotions are overtaking him as well. Hence, on the word, Vayimaein, he refused, there is once again a shalsheles. Yosef is torn between what he KNOWS is right and what he DESIRES TO DO.

The final use of the Shalsheles is found much later on in Parshas Tzav. As Moshe prepares to slaughter the ram, the Ayil, that will complete the consecration process of the Mishkan, that we find the word VAYISHCHAT, and he slaughtered, and above that word, once again, we find the Shalsheles, for the fourth and final time.  What is the hesitation in this case?

Moshe, we know, was supposed to be not only the Navi, but also the Kohein Gadol. However, when he refused to serve as Hashem’s messenger, Hashem becomes angry and says “fine, I’ll select Aharon to help.” And Chazal tell us that at that moment Hashem took the Kehuna Gedola away from Moshe and offered it to Aharon.  Moshe was happy for his brother, but at the same time, he had AMBIVALENT feelings. He was still pained by what he had lost.

And this brings us to the very FIRST Shalsheles in the Torah. The one used THIS WEEK, in the story of Lot. Lot, after all, is one of the most enigmatic figures of the entire Sefer Breishis. On the one hand, Lot seems like a pretty good guy. He leaves his homeland, his family, to follow Avraham to Eretz Canaan. When he has the opportunity to welcome guests into his home, Lot seems to mimic some of the same behaviors and good midos of his uncle, Avraham.

However, there are also some troubling features about Lot. When he can no longer live together with Avraham and he can choose ANYWHERE in the WORLD to live. He chooses Sedom.  Even when he welcomes guests into his home and will do all he can to support them, he is willing to throw HIS OWN DAUGHTERS to an angry mob.   But perhaps the most interesting moment in the story of Lot, is when he is being saved from Sedom: The angels who had come to visit him tell him that it is time to escape. After all, Sedom is about to be destroyed. And yet, as he prepares to leave the Torah describes Lot’s state of mind: Says the Torah, at that moment:

VAYISMAMA – Lot HESITATED! But not only does the Torah describe Lot’s mindset in words, it does so with SONG as well.   Because above the word VAYISMAMA, there is a Shalsheles. But it seems strange. What was the HESITATION for LOT!?  Why the Shalsheles here as well?

This Monday evening and Tuesday, marks the first yahrtzeit of Lord Rabbi Jonathan Sacks zt”l. And Rabbi Sacks offers a thoughtful approach to the Shalsheles, the ambivalence of Lot: Lot’s hesitation, argues Rabbi Sacks, go the core of his identity.  Like we mentioned, when Lot has a choice to live anywhere, he specifically chooses SEDOM, even though the Torah tells us: “The people of Sedom were extremely evil and sinners to G-d.” Lot decides he no longer wants to be a “ger v’toshav” a temporary resident like Avraham. He wants to BELONG. Lot’s daughers marry local men.  According to the medrash quoted by Rashi, the reason Lot is sitting by the gate when the angels arrive at Sedom is because Lot had been elected a judge in the city just that day.

However, when we look deeper, it becomes clear that Lot never really belongs in Sedom. When Lot invites guests, the people of the town converge on his home to assault them. Clearly, they don’t see Lot as one of them.  When Lot refuses to hand over his guests, they say about him. “This one came here as a stranger and now he wants to judge us! We’ll treat you worse than them!” When Lot comes to tell his sons-in-law that it’s time to leave, they literally LAUGH at him!

Lot’s new identity as a resident, even a high-powered judge in Sedom has come crashing down. They have NOT accepted him. The town that hates strangers considers him one, and his own sons-in-law think he’s a laughingstock. And yet, even as it becomes clear that Lot DOESN’T BELONG in Sedom, when it becomes time to FLEE FOR HIS LIFE, HE HESITATES – VAYISMAMA.

Lot can’t let go of the “dream” of being accepted, being part of the world of the people of Sedom. And why?  Because Lot didn’t KNOW WHO HE WAS WITHOUT THEIR ACCEPTANCE.  He didn’t have a secure sense of self. So, even as the walls are LITERALLY CRASHING DOWN ON SEDOM, Lot can’t decide where he wants to be: Accepted in a city that is crumbling or All Alone with Himself?

And, of course, the contrast between Lot and Avraham could not be more stark. While Lot remains unsure of who he wants to be, drifting from one place to the other hoping to find his identity by being accepted by others, Avraham lives a life involved with the world, but secure with who he is. He can fight wars for other nations, pray for them, and even make treaties with them, but he will also be himself.  And even as he remains a Ger V’Toshav, a stranger in the midst of the world, the rest of the world views him as “Nasi Elokim” a prince of God.

No matter how old or young we are, we all want to fit in.  But when we try to be someone we are not, we’ll never be secure and we’ll never be happy.

And while this message is true for all of us, it is particularly important to consider when it comes to our children. Each day I have the special privilege to work with college and yeshiva students in my role as a Mashgiach at Yeshiva University. One of the critical decisions these young men are making at this stage of their life is their career path.

And all too often, when I ask these young men what they plan to do professionally, I will hear something like,“I would consider working for a non-profit, but my parents want me to go to Law School, so that’s probably what I’ll do.” This week, a young man said to me, “I was dating a girl, but when her parents heard I was going into chinuch, they told her to call it off”. And while this may seem like an outlier, I will tell you from experience that I am seeing it more and more.

All individuals who are blessed to be parents want what is best for our children. But sometimes we forget that what is truly the “best” for them is to allow them to figure out WHO THEY ARE and what THEY want to be, rather than what we WANT them to be. It’s an extraordinary challenge.  But having the strength to support our children as they find THEIR strengths and discover who THEY want to be, is greatest gift we can offer them.

Everyone wants to be belong, but more important than belonging is being able to live a life true to ourselves. It’s a message to live ourselves and to teach our children, as we hopefully guide them to a life of fulfillment, meaning, and joy.